A Dark and Dreary Night
by Ko nan ChakaZo
Summary: Someone is out to make Jack really, really mad... Why can't they just let him relax? WIP... although I might never finish it.....
1. The peaceful night that wasn't

Chapter One: The peaceful night that wasn't

**SGC**

It was a dark and dreary night… Colonel Jack O'Neill U.S.A.F. headed toward his truck, intending to pick up a movie and some pizza for a peaceful night of relaxation after a not so relaxing day of fighting aliens and saving the planet once again. That's when it all started… (which, of course, means that his night won't be as relaxing as he had hoped for)

Doctor Daniel Jackson P.H.D. was expecting a quite time at home, as well. As he walked to his car, pulling out his keys from his pocket, he noticed O'Neill just a few cars down and waved. He then got into his car, turned the key and… BOOM he jumped three feet off the seat, bumping his head on the ceiling. As he rubbed his head, he quickly turned in the direction he was sure the explosion had come from, seeing that it had been Jack's truck that had blown. Worried for his friend's well-being, he got out of his car and slowly approached the truck.

"… Jack? You OK?"

"I…think so." came the reply. Relieved, he looked down. Sitting on the ground, a few yards from where his truck had once stood, Jack sat, staring at the huge pile of rubble that used to be his trustworthy vehicle.

"What the hell?" Jack said, breathlessly. As the shock slowly changed into anger, he stoop up and said, "What the hell happened?"

"I don't know," Daniel replied, "did you see anybody?"

"No. But when I find the bd that did this I'm gonna…"

"O'Neill!" Teal'c had heard the loud noise and was quickly walking towards the two very confused men. "Are you injured?" he asked.

"No, I'm fine… but my truck…"

The Jaffa observed the wreckage and raised his eyebrow. "Do you know who has caused this?"

"No!" Jack was starting to get annoyed. "I don't know who did it! I was just heading for my truck…" he waved his hand from the entrance of the base to the now useless hunk of metal, "and it just… blew up!" he threw his arms up towards the sky in demonstration, his eyes wide with annoyance.

"Well," Daniel said after a few seconds, "we should probably get someone to look into this, right? So…"

"Of course we do, Daniel…" Jack said sarcastically. "But, not now."

Daniel frowned in confusion and folded his arms. "But…"

"Look," Jack interrupted, "we've done a lot today and I just want to go home and watch a movie… and maybe The Simpsons, if it's on."

A moment passed, as Daniel thought it over. "OK." He said. "I guess I can drive you…"

"Which movie were you planning on viewing, O'Neill?" Teal'c questioned.

"Hadn't really thought about it."

"Might I suggest St-…"

"Oh, no you don't!" Jack interrupted again. I've watched those _way_ too many times since you first made me."

"Then what _do_ you want to watch, Jack?" Daniel asked as they headed for his car.

"Hmm… how 'bout The Wizard of Oz." said Jack as more of a statement than a question, getting into the driver seat. Daniel held the key up, about to say something, then decided to just go ahead and hand it to Jack, who was already holding out his hand to take it.

Walking towards the passenger seat instead, Daniel said, "Wait, you're not going to watch Teal'c's movie because you've seen it too many times, but you are gonna watch a movie you've seen even _more_?" as he got to the door, he saw that Teal'c had already taken the passenger seat, so he hopped into the back.

"It's a classic!" Jack whined.

"So is Star Wars, O'Neill." Teal'c interjected.

"Yeah, but…" Jack couldn't think of anything to counter Teal'c's statement, so instead, he threw his cell phone to Daniel and said, "Call Carter, tell her to meet us at my house for pizza and a movie… which we'll decide on when we get to the video store." Glaring at Teal'c, he pulled the car out of the parking lot and they headed off.

Little did they know that the mysterious person who had placed the bomb in Jack's truck was following them…

**Jack's house**

After having called Sam and the pizza place, and then picking up some movies (which had taken a few hours of arguing about what to get) they reached Jack's house.

As Jack walked up with his key, he saw a not-very-happy pizza delivery guy standing on the porch. "T, Daniel, go get the paper plates and napkins and stuff. Don't worry, I'll pay for the pizza."

_Well, isn't that thoughtful…_ thought Daniel, _it is YOUR house. _He rolled his eyes, smiling slightly, and heading for the kitchen with Teal'c.

Jack took the pizza, but as he pulled out his wallet, the delivery guy lost control of his obvious anger…

"It's about time, dude!" he said. "I've been standing out here for, like, TWO HOURS! It's cold and windy and I've got to get home to play video games!"

He then pulled out a squeaky inflatable bat (the kind you get from carnivals) and hit Jack over the head repeatedly with it.

SQUEAK-oo SQUEAK-oo SQUEAK-oo SQUEAK-

"ALL RIGHT!!" Jack yelled. "I get the picture! I'll give you a BIG, HONKIN' tip, OK!?"

Satisfied, the delivery guy put the bat away, took the money, and left without another squeak – or word, for that matter.

Fuming, Jack walked inside and threw the pizzas on the coffee table in the living room.

"What has transpired, O'Neill?" asked Teal'c. "DanielJackson and I heard a series of 'squeaking' noises and two angry voices."

"Ah, it wasn't anything important… " he replied. "You got everything? Is Carter here yet?"

"Yep." said a certain blonde A.F Major. "Just got here. Who was that guy driving out of your driveway in a hurry, Sir?"

"Just the pizza guy…" Jack said, grumbling slightly.

"I see…" said Sam, not really seeing. "So, what movies did you get? Star Wars? The Wizard of Oz?"

"Neither." replied both Jack and Teal'c at the same time.

Sam looked confused.

"That's why the pizza guy was mad, see." Jack explained (furthering Sam's confusion). "We took a long time… _discussing_ which movie to get, so we eventually decided to let Danny boy pick."

"I still don't see what that has to do with the pizza guy... What movie did you pick, Daniel?"

Daniel held up two DVDs. "The Mummy and the Mummy Returns." he grinned.

Sam had made her way to the couch and already had a plate and a slice of pizza. "But Daniel… you're an expert on everything ancient Egypt. Why would you want to see these completely unrealistic fictional stories about it? Wouldn't you get a little annoyed at how off they are?"

It took a little while for Daniel to answer. "Well… um… you see… I kinda… um… I kinda find…"

"He finds the girl extremely attractive?" Jack supplied with a wide grin.

"Um… yeah." Daniel said sheepishly. He quickly added, "But it's not just that! Even though you're right, Sam, I've been studying Egypt a very long time. Ever since I was a kid, I've always been fascinated by the ancient myths and legends, as well as learning about the factual aspects. Obviously, I don't take the movies seriously, but they're still very entertaining, regardless of how unrealistic they are." He felt that they'd be satisfied with that answer… until Jack said,

"It's the girl."

"Uh huh."

"Indeed."

Defeated, Daniel just popped the movie in.

ooo ooo ooo

"_Alexander the Great sent troops in search of it."  
_

"_Great for him."  
_

"_So did Caesar."  
_

"_Yeah, look what happened to his career."  
_

"_And Napoleon."  
_

"_Yeah, but, we're smarter than him. And taller, too."  
_

"_Exactly. That's why we're the ones who are gonna find it."  
_

"_Because we're taller?" _

Jack grinned. _I like this guy…_ he thought.

It had been a mostly uneventful evening (except for when Jack and Teal'c wrestled for the last slice of pizza, knocking a cup of soda on Daniel). But (naturally), that was about to change…

Just as the Scorpion King dramatically showed his face for the first time as a hideous monster, there was a crash of lightning and thunder, plunging them into darkness. Then, there was a knock at the door…

"Crap…" said Jack. "I'll get it."

The rain had started to pour as Jack slowly walked towards the front door. For some reason, everyone was tense, wondering who on Earth could be at the door at this time of night.

Jack finally reached the front door, pausing slightly as he reached for the handle, his heart pounding, he opened it.

Looking out, he couldn't see very well, since the power was out all along the street, until a flash of lighting lit up the sky.

He gasped, recognizing the dark, tall figure before him. It was…

_To be continued…_

_oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

A/N: This is my first fic!!! Be nice, please:)

Also, I'd like to know if people are reading it. PLEASE review! I don't think I want to continue if nobody wants me to.

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and all related is owned by MGM, Star Wars and all related is owned by Lucasfilm, The Mummy and the Mummy returns… I don't know who owns them, but it ain't me. :(


	2. YOU!

Chapter Two: "YOU?!"

**Jack's house**

_He gasped, recognizing the dark, tall figure before him. It was…_

Darth Vader.

Jack didn't know what to say or do. He just stood there, mouth hanging open. Until he decided it must be his imagination – _Too much beer_… he thought. So with that, he slammed the door shut and headed back towards the rest of the team.

"Who was it?"

"…. um …. nobody, Daniel." was all he could say. So, since the power was still out, they lit some candles and decided to play a board game.

ooo ooo ooo

Nearly an hour later – after Sam had kicked their butts at Monopoly and Daniel had kicked their butts at Scrabble – the power came back on. Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c continued playing games, but Jack got bored and turned on the TV to watch a football game.

Then… there was another knock at the door. Jack sighed and walked over to it. Still a bit spooked by what he had seen earlier, he opened it, hoping it was just the delivery guy come back to get something he left. Nope.

"Let me enter!" Darth Vader threatened with his infamous deep voice.

Again, Jack slammed the door and again, he responded to Daniel's questioning with, "Nobody important." He went back to the TV and started flipping channels.

ooo ooo ooo

About half an hour later, Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c had finished their game and decided to join Jack as he watched a documentary on haunted houses.

Then (you guessed it), another knock on the door. By now, Jack was getting extremely frustrated at the whole thing. This time as he headed towards the door, he grabbed a bat, then opened the door.

"If you don't leave, right now, and NEVER come back, I'll knock you SO hard!!"

SLAM

ooo ooo ooo

Fifteen minutes later, another knock. Jack held the bat high above his head and quickly opened the door, yelling as he did it.

It wasn't Vader.

"Please, sir, my only wish is to bring you the word of God."

Jack froze. "Eh... I… uh… I can explain…." Lowering the bat, he smiled guiltily and tried to explain that he was expecting someone else, which only prompted the bible salesman to lecture him about violence and anger and how they were works of Satan.

"Yeeeeah, sure… um… I, uh, I get it… thanks, bye!" Jack cut the poor guy off and shut the door. After standing right inside the door for a few minutes, trying to work out why a bible salesman would be selling his wares at 10:45PM, he decided to forget about it and started to walk back to his friends.

But, before he had gotten more than a few feet away, the door swung open. Sure enough, this time it was none other than that ever persistent Lord of the Sith.

Vader stepped inside and stood menacingly in the doorway as SG-1 stared at him, none of them knowing what to say or do.

Vader and SG-1 stayed like that, staring at one another for a long time, until finally, Jack said, "OK, that's enough! Who are you, _really_, and what the hell do you want?!"

Vader took a few slow steps toward Jack, his long black cape billowing in the wind, with lightning flashing through the door.

Jack gulped.

"I am surprised, Colonel O'Neill, that you have not yet figured that out." Vader responded.

Incredulously, Jack responded, "Are you nuts?! How the hell am I supposed to figure out why a completely _fictional_ character from a completely _fictional_ and _unrealistic_ set of movies would come to _my_ house, barge into the door, and just stand there, staring at me, like he's expecting me to do something?! HUH?!"

After a few more moments of staring, Vader responded, "Who're you calling fictional, _Jack_?" He took off his helmet (which had one of those voice synthesizers). It wasn't Darth Vader. It was…

"MAYBOURNE?!" SG-1 all exclaimed simultaneously. Teal'c looked slightly disappointed…

"That's right," Colonel Harry Maybourne responded with a sly grin. "And I was the one who blew up your truck. As I said, I'm surprised you hadn't figured it out – you are, after all, SG-1."

After a slight pause, Jack yelled, "You RAT B(ad wor)D!!! I am SO gonna kick your ass!"

"Gee, that sounds familiar… Well, it's not going to happen."

"And why not?!"

"Because… I'm armed!"

"… with a plastic lightsaber?"

"… yeah.… why?"

"……"

"What?"

"……"

"Jack?"

"……"

"Say something!"

".….."

"I said, SAY SOMETHING!!"

"……"

"I'll have you court-marshaled!"

"……"

"I'll have you arrested!"

"……"

"I'll… uh... punch you in the face!"

"……"

"JAAAAACK!!!"

"Yes Harry?" Jack said finally, in his sweetest, most innocent voice.

"AAAAAAAHHH-" shhhwweerrroow

Jack blinked. "Where'd he go?"

"It looked like an Asgard transporter beam, Sir." Sam said.

"Huh, so it did… Well, folks, it looks like that's the end of th-" shhhwweerrroow "-at…"

"-AAAAARRRRGGG!!!" THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP

"CUT IT OUT, MAYBOURNE!!!" Jack yelled, grabbing the toy from Maybourne.

SNAP

Maybourne blinked. "Bu… m… my lightsaber… you… you… you… YOU… what are you doing here, anyway?"

"Don't you mean, what are we doing here?" Sure enough, Maybourne, Jack, and the rest of SG-1 were all on what looked like an Asgard ship.

"Right… yeah… I guess." Maybourne responded.

Daniel spoke up. "It looks like Thor wants us for something… Or, at least, that's usually why he transports people away from wherever they are when they least expect it."

"Indeed." Teal'c agreed.

"Hmmph…" Jack agreed.

"But why would he want me?" Maybourne asked.

"Well, I don't know, Harry," Jack said, "that's a very good question. What would anyone want with you?"

Maybourne glared at him.

Jack continued, "What on earth, or any other planet... or ship… could anyone in their right minds want with a weasley, slimy, good-for-nuthin', little rat like you?"

"All right, we get the picture!" Maybourne yelled.

"I'm not finished! How in a-"

"Jack…" Daniel interrupted, rolling his eyes.

"All right, all right… So Harry, what are you doing in a costume, anyway? Too afraid to come at me face-to-face?"

"Don't you think we should try to find Thor and ask him what he wants?" Daniel was getting annoyed.

"Nah, he usually walks in right when you're getting impatient. Just give it a few minutes…"

"Well, I'm impatient _now_!" Maybourne complained.

"Greetings."

"See, what'd I tell ya?" Jack said, grinning widely. "Thor, buddy! How are you? It's been awhile. How's life as Supreme Commander of the Asgard fleet treating you? Good?"

"I am well, O'Neill." Thor responded. "I do, however, require your assistance."

_To be continued…_

_oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

Thanks for reading! More soon!

Oh, I forgot to add The Wizard of Oz to the disclaimer... don't own it either. Oh yeah! I don't own the Simpsons either. lol (I don't know if I need to say that, but one can never be too careful)


	3. A jiggly situation

A/N: Ack! It won't let me upload the next chapter! So, I'm just editing another doc I had already uploaded and replacing it with this one…

Also, I'm sorry this took so long. There was Easter… then I got sick… then it wouldn't let me upload... but here it is!

_oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

Chapter three: A jiggly situation/Who?

**Thor's ship**

_"I do, however, require your assistance."_

"Of course you do…" Jack said. "SO, what is it this time? It's not a bug problem, is it? 'Cause I don't know if…"

"This time, it is not the Replicators, O'Neill. I have transported you to my ship in hope that you could assist me with another problem. There seems to be a gelatin-like substance appearing in our machinery, causing problems. How it is appearing is not apparent, however, we have observed it bares a close resemblance to what you Humans call… Jell-O."

"…..."

"We thought, perhaps, you may know how to resolve this problem."

"Uh… Thor… buddy… did you say you have _Jell-O_ in your machines?"

"That is correct."

"This night just keeps getting weirder…"

"What flavor is it?" asked Sam.

"Is that _really_ important, Carter? 'Cause, if it is, don't let me get in your way or anything…"

"Sorry, Sir… just curious."

Maybourne snorted in frustration. "You beamed us all the way up here just because you made a mess? So, what, you want us to clean up after you?! Why don't you just EAT IT?!"

Thor pondered this a while, then declared, "Our physiology would not accept the substance into our systems. Perhaps yourself and SG-1 can… 'just eat it'?"

Jack muttered, "Oh, fer cryin' out loud… Carter?" he finished out loud. He didn't know what to do.

"Well… as strange as it seems… we could just eat it, Sir."

"But, we still have no explanation as to how it got here." Daniel cut in.

"True." Sam replied. After thinking for a few seconds, she said, "Thor, have you or the other Asgard been conducting any sort of experiments lately? Anything that might explain this?"

"Wait," Daniel interrupted, "I have another question. Why couldn't you just transport the Jell-O off the ship?"

"The gelatin seems to have been carefully and deliberately placed in a location that the transporters cannot reach." came Thor's reply.

"But, that implies a saboteur." said Sam.

"Indeed." Teal'c said seriously.

"Great!" Maybourne said sarcastically. "So, you're saying that someone intentionally put _Jell-O_ in your machinery? To what? Clog it? That's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard!" With that, he stomped off angrily.

"Maybourne, get your ass back in here!" Jack yelled. There was no response. "MAYBOURNE!!" Still nothing. "Oh, for CRYIN' OUT LOUD! I'm going after him! Carter, you and Daniel try to help Thor figure this out. T, you're with me."

"Yes, Sir."

"K."

Teal'c just bowed his head.

And they were off.

ooo ooo ooo

As Jack and Teal'c walked down the quiet corridors, Jack's mind started drifting…

_How'd I get into this mess…? Why'd both Maybourne and Thor pick the same night to bother me?! And then he had to go and run off like this… Arg, when I get my hands on that little weasel… And what's with the Jell-O? Some sort of Asgard prank? Nah, they're not the prank type… Someone doesn't want me to rela-_

"Oof!"

"Oof!"

"I believe we have located Colonel Maybourne, O'Neill."

"THANKS… Teal'c… I can see that."

"Jack! You'll never believe what I found!"

"I don't have _time_ to hear what you've found, I'm too busy kickin' y-"

"But, _Jack_! Look!" Maybourne held out a small device.

"Yeah, and what the hell is it?"

"It's a sonic screwdriver!!" Maybourne was very excited.

"A sonic _what_?" Jack asked, exasperatedly.

"Ah! You've found it! Fantastic!"

The two colonels and the Jaffa jumped. Well… Teal'c didn't jump… but he _looked_ a bit startled.

The threesome gawked at the new arrival. He was about Daniel's height with slightly messy, short brown hair and sideburns and was very thin. He was wearing a thin, brown, striped suit and was looking excitedly at the little device.

"Thank you so much, I've been looking _everywhere_ for it!" the strange man said with a slightly Scottish, mostly British accent. He held out his hand and introduced himself (surely you all know WHO he is…), "Hello! I'm the Doctor. Good to meet you. May I have my screwdriver?"

Jack was the first to snap out of it. "Uh, sure, I guess… Harry, give him his screwdriver." Then, taking the Doctor's hand and shaking it, he said, "Colonel Jack O'Neill, U.S.A.F. This is Colonel Harry Maybourne… and Teal'c."

Shaking each of their hands in turn and taking the screwdriver that Harry (still dumbfounded) handed him, the Doctor said, "So… you're Human? Well, except for you, of course." he nodded toward Teal'c. "But, what are Humans doing on an alien ship at this time? I was certain this was somewhere around the turn of the century… maybe the wrong century?"

"Ah," Maybourne spoke up, "Actually you probably got the right century… see, we found an alien device that creates artificial wormholes we call the Stargate in Giza over half a century ago… since then we-"

"Maybourne!" Jack cut him off, "That's classified! What the hell do you think you're doing? You should know better!"

"Jack, you have no idea who this is, do you?"

"Yes, I do… he said he was 'the Doctor'…"

"Doctor Who!" exclaimed Maybourne.

"Yeah, I was kinda wondering that myself…"

"No, I mean the TV show Doctor Who!"

"What?" asked Jack.

"What?" asked the Doctor.

"Doctor!" A young girl about twenty with blonde hair was hurrying towards them.

"Ah! Rose, I'd like you to meet…"

"Doctor, I'm sorry, but you said if we wanted to see the birth of the Glorfinian Empire we'd need to be there at precisely the right time!"

"Dear me… I forgot. Well, it was lovely meeting you three, and thank you for finding my screwdriver, but Rose and I really must be off! Goodbye!" With that, the Doctor headed down the corridor.

"Bye!" Rose smiled and waved, then followed the Doctor.

"Well… that was… odd…" said Jack. Then, he had an idea. "Wait! You wouldn't happen to know who put Jell-O in the Asgard's ship, do you?" he called after them.

"No…" the Doctor yelled back, "I was wondering why the TARDIS landed in jelly…"

"You mean, 'Jell-O'!"

"No, I meant jelly!"

"Jell-O!"

"Jelly!" The Doctor sighed, "I'd really love to stay and chat, but we're going to miss a very momentous occasion! Bye!" He turned a corner. After a few seconds, Jack, Teal'c, and Maybourne heard a strange pulsing sound that slowly faded away.

"Very odd…" finished Jack.

"Colonel!"

"Jack!"

Daniel and Sam were making their way towards them.

"Good," Jack said, "maybe you're here to explain _something_?" Jack said, getting annoyed (like he always does when things get too complicated for him).

"Yes, Sir." Sam smiled. "It turns out that the rogue faction of the N.I.D. are responsible. I'm not sure how, but they have a small ship and were using it to conduct experiments on a nearby nebula. Apparently, the Asgard noticed something strange about the nebula and decided to investigate, bringing some of the nebulous gas aboard their ship. Unknown to the Asgard, the gas leaked out of it's containment vessel and got into the machinery. I have no idea how, but the N.I.D. agents must've programmed the molecular structure of the gas to transform into a gelatin-like substance after being in contact with oxygen."

"……"

"……"

"……"

"What?" Daniel was the only one to (somewhat) understand what she had just said. "Why would they do that?"

"… yeah… what Daniel said." Jack said.

"I have no idea."

"… and uh… how'd you figure all that, Carter? Isn't it all a bit… wacky?"

Before Sam could answer, they heard Thor's voice over the com, "We are under attack. SG-1 and Colonel Maybourne please join me on the bridge."

"What now…" Jack grumbled.

They headed towards the bridge, but before they had gotten very far, there was a loud crash that shook the ship, knocking them to the floor.

Jack stood up, a little disoriented and looked around to check on his team.

They were gone.

_To be continued… _

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A/N: I'd like to thank everyone for the reviews! I'm really glad you like it!

Oh, I have a question… when a fic is goofy and unrealistic is it always called a crack-fic? Just wondering out loud… sorta.

Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all related material belongs to… the B.B.C., I think…


End file.
